Different Heights of Brows

Friends First

I have always been an advocate for "friends first" in terms of finding one's mate. However, in retrospect, I'm not sure why I'm such a fan for the idea considering none of my male friends have ever turned into anything more. In fact, when I become a guy's galpal, they tend to forget that I am a woman. They begin to see me as just one of the guys. Let me tell you, I have been exposed to more "locker room talk" than any woman should have to endure. But, I suppose they feel comfortable enough to talk like that in front of me because I don't care. I let them be as crass as they please because I understand that it's just talk, and that most of those guys are actually much more sensitive and intelligent than they may sound at these particular times. I've also, so some extent, learned to tune them out. Occasionally, one of the men might remember than I am actually of the fairer sex and will say, "Hey, c'mon! There's a lady present!" Or, "C'mon! Watch what you say! She's like my little sister!" (Grrrrrr!) But my usual reply is, "Don't worry, I wasn't even paying attention." So they get even crasser, if that even is a word....

But I guess I like the romanticised idea of "friends first" of all those teen romance books I used to read. One of the favoured storylines was the underdog best friend who the girl doesn't realize is perfect for her and so she pines for the jerky, most popular boy in school, until the end when (lightbulb!) she finally sees the supportive best friend in a new light. Great '80s interpretation to film? "Some Kind of Wonderful." Although, the twist in that movie was that the protagonist was male. Ahhh, Eric Stolz when he was cute....Sigh! They were my favourite of all the cliched storylines!!

These days, I suppose I thought it was just logical. To fall in love with your best friend, what could be more perfect? Presumably, you've been friends for a while, so you already know one another's quirks and quarks; you're comfortable with one another's presence; as they said on "Friends," "It's like being on the 10th date". Once the flame on the bunsen burner been lit (chemistry...get it?), it seems like you have the whole package, right?

Not always, seems to be the correct answer to that question. Take, for example, Swan. She was friends with this guy for a couple of years and then he made his "move." After she thought about it, swan decided to take the plunge. Her past relationships which did not start out in friendship ended, so why not see if this friends first thing really worked out better? Well, based on the first sentance of this paragraph, it should be clear to all that they are no longer together. Friends for 2 years, no longer a couple after 8? 9? months. Turns out, you can be friends with people who you do not share a lot of similarities with. However, it's a little harder to make a successful long-term romantic relationship with someone who's ideals and values are not akin to your own. When two people who are looking to spend the rest of their lives together can't agree on where to raise their children (or lack thereof as the case may be) it causes serious strife. Conpromise is to be expected in any relationship, but when one never gets their way or only gets it when the other person has given in but obviously is unhappy about their compromise, it leads to unhappiness, which may ultimately lead to the end of the relationship. Whether the end comes after 8 months of dating or after 45 years of marriage, in today's society, that relationship, which started in friendship, is doomed. There are the special few that "make it work," and the sad few that "suffer in silence," but those cases are becoming more and more rare.

But before we even get to that point, there is the hard reality that it is hard to "take the plunge" in the first place. How many times have we heard, "no, we're just friends," or the ever popular, "I don't want it to wreck the friendship." I find this is such an interesting defense mechanism. We kvetch and we kvetch about trying to find that special someone, and I think most people can appreciate the idea of being friends first, but when the subject of crossing over from friendship to something more people shy away from the possibilities. C'mon, reeeeeally, how close of friends were you anyway? And heck! You can always make more! So why are we so reluctant to risk that "friendship" in order to discover whether or not this person is our soulmate? What are we really so scared of? And I can't help wondering, if we were such good friends to start off with, after the understandable bitter or mourning period that follows the end of the romantic relationship, why wouldn't we be able to be friends again? Swan says she's never friends with her ex's, but does that mean she never could ever? Why does she clump this "friend first" guy in with all the others? I guess only time will tell.

When I look around me, I am hard pressed to find a happily married couple who were friends first. The closest example I can think of is Jove. (As previously mentioned in a comment I added to a post, Jove is my romance novel enabler friend. I call her that becuase Jove is Nora Robert's publishing company.) She says she was friends first with her new hubby, but if I recall correctly, there was instant chemical attraction between them. Circumstance kept them apart, forcing them to be "just friends," but technically, I don't think they really count as a successful example of a real friends first relationship. Huh...I really cannot think of a true successful friends first relationship! But that might just be because I don't really know very many people....

Okay, so in review, I don't really know what my point is. I'm just brainstorming over here. Please understand I'm just spouting off the first thing that comes out of my head. I am NOT saying any of this is "the facts" or "the truth," and in fact, on any given day I may have totally different views on any of the topics I tackle here in my blog. These are just observations I am experiencing in the NOW. So if it seems disjointed (because I no longer edit myself) or I seem to contradict myself from paragraph to paragraph, that is why. And if you have any differing opinions on any topic, please feel free to voice them in my comments section! If I don't like to hear what you have to say, I'll just delete you! MWAH HAHAHAHAHA!

(She laughs maniacally as she rubs her hands together and raises an eyebrow High)

posted by highbrow @ 12:04 PM